how two words can ruin your day..

there are many two-word combinations that can ruin a day.

"fuck you!"

fuck off, i use that eleventy-million times a day...that really doesn't even count. but i include it here for setup. maybe i should include "fuck off" as well... but i digress...

"oh no!"

well, that invokes the furious little cinnamon bun, which always makes me happy, so that doesn't really count either. the bun never ruins my day.

"god damn!"

see above...

"fuck me!"

usually followed by "running through the goddamn forest like my hair is on fire!" again, used multiple times daily. usually makes me pretty happy. nevermind...

okay, i'm done with the list.

but two words i have never before heard uttered not only ruined my day, but shattered my existence.

"pet moisture."

EEEEWWWWWW!!!!

PET MOISTURE???

SERIOUSLY???

you see, today i had an appointment with an estimator to measure for laminate floors in the non-tiled parts of my house.

i had gone through months of research, talking to friends about their floors, researching the virtues of laminate vs. hardwood, going to home depot to look at samples, talking to friends again, looking at samples again, spending way too much time on laminate vs. hardwood forums, reading user reviews, deciding on laminates, moving barriers at home depot to get to the fucking laminate/hardwood aisle to get a damn SKU# (because michelle the trainee could not find it on her computer), enduring aforementioned michelle the trainee setting up my measurement/estimate appointment, moving many things out of my closets and away from anywhere that might get in the estimator's way, waiting the additional two and a half hours for the estimator to show up after the scheduled time, only to have all my hopes and dreams dashed by two words.

"pet moisture."

everyone puke NOW!!!!

really, how gross is that?

okay, so it wasn't only "pet moisture" that dashed my hopes and dreams of laminate floors in the bedrooms of my house.

adam - the fabulous and way-overworked estimator - really felt it was more due to the fact that the slab on my house was probably not given enough time to cure prior to building, but that the abundance of "pet moisture" probably didn't help much.

"PET MOISTURE"?????

WHAT THE FUCK?????

i know. i can see. i have tried valiantly to remove the stains. multiple times, multiple ways. i'm blonde, not STUPID.

i know my pets have been bad. VERY BAD.

i mean, there is a REASON i want all the carpet out of my house.

you see, if a pet, ANY pet, whether visiting or resident, has had to piss, shit, puke, or any combination of the aforementioned, IT ALWAYS HAPPENS ON THE CARPET EVEN THOUGH 2/3rds OF THE HOUSE IS FUCKING TILE!!!

and because of this, i now have "pet moisture" keeping me from flooring THAT WILL NOT BE SUSCEPTIBLE PET MOISTURE!!!!! (Allegedly - according to user reviews and friend recommendations, laminate is the way to go if there is any probability of piddle or puke in the future. is there? oh HELL YES THERE IS!!! dogs and cats piss, puke and god only knows what else, INSIDE EVERY OPPORTUNITY THEY GET REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH TIME THEY SPEND OUTSIDE ON A DAILY FUCKING BASIS!!)

i'm pretty sure that's written in the bible somewhere. maybe the lost book of velcro, i don't know, i missed that day in new fucking testament - i'm sure i was hungover.

except that apparently the highly rated, dupont-certified, good-for-30-fucking-years laminate flooring i wanted to install cannot withstand the moisture level in my slab.

potentially caused by an abundance of - PET MOISTURE!!!!!!

so i've come to grips with that, and adam - who is again a wonderful person for doing the moisture test when i asked him to - gave me a couple recommendations for my now sad - AND NOW DIRE , WITH THE ADDITION OF "PET MOISTURE" - situation...

"replace this carpet with some new cheap carpet and then look at laminate or wood in about five years..."

FIVE YEARS??? SPEND MONEY ON MORE CHEAP CARPET???

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????

FUCK ME!!!!!

...running through the forest, blah blah blah...

or

"pull up all the carpet and let it air for a month or two and then recheck it for moisture - you should be fine to do whatever you want then. the slab will have time to air and cure like it should have, especially without all the pet moisture on it..."

AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

those two fucking words again - PET MOISTURE!!!

i swear i throw up in my mouth every time i hear, think or speak those two words.

i mean really, i shuffle around the freakin' house in slippers anyway, but now every time i step into my bedroom or any other carpeted part of the house i feel ankle deep in....

PET MOISTURE!!!!!

whether i have on slippers or fucking wellies!!!

aside - for those who don't know, wellies are knee-high rubber boots, capable of keeping out water, mud, manure, water and mud-soaked manure, hookworms, trichinosis, hoof and mouth disease, and, for all we know, potentially cancer, psoriasis and erectile dysfunction, because these boots are THE SHIT and from the brits - who live in muck up to their assholes, AND survived the blitzkrieg AND mad cow disease with minimal hits to their overall well being. i mean they still love a fucking pint day or night! jesus christ on a bike, they slog through hell and god knows what else in fucking wellies! gordon ramsey wears wellies for fuck's sake!!! what's stopping him? NOTHING!!! except maybe PET MOISTURE. i bet he has concrete floors EVERYWHERE.

all this to say, this is not a good living situation for me, the princess of cooties. (i only relinquish the throne to dina, because she takes it to a fine fucking art - i want to be like her when i grow up.)

to the point that i don't know if there is enough vodka in the house or in the world to give me enough comfort to sleep in my own damn bedroom tonight. i'm scared the PET MOISTURE will follow me to bed! even after i take off my wellies.

i see weeks of sleeping on the cowgrrl loveseat BECAUSE THE GUEST BEDROOM HAS THE MOST FREAKIN' PET MOISTURE OF ALL!!!

where else am i supposed to go? the barn?? at least the floor there is concrete and relatively less susceptible to the dreaded PET MOISTURE that gets captured in carpet and pad and jesus christ on a crutch i don't know what else. plus i bleached the whole freakin' barn floor this morning waiting for the estimator! i know there is no PET MOISTURE there. dammit.

all this to say, i've decided on concrete floors - stained, acid stained, stamped, overlays - fuck me. i have to start the research process all over again.

don't care - as long as i can find a pet-moisture resistant, preferably REPELLENT, solution.

but one thing i know for sure - even while the research process is ongoing - i'm getting someone out here ASAP to get the carpet, pad, glue, WHATEVER off the floors - because i've had all the PET MOISTURE i can handle, and it and the nasty carpet that entices it must be out of my house - NOW. if not sooner...

now i am to commune with uncle tito, research concrete floors (i already found a very promising place to do them just up the road), and remind myself how much i love my dogs and how i would be inconsolable and utterly unmanageable as a human without them.

and how PET MOISTURE will cease to be part of my vocabulary. forever.

as soon as i have my concrete floors.

love to all 1.32 of y'all reading.

xoxoxoxoxoxox