how two words can ruin your day..

there are many two-word combinations that can ruin a day.

"fuck you!"

fuck off, i use that eleventy-million times a day...that really doesn't even count. but i include it here for setup. maybe i should include "fuck off" as well... but i digress...

"oh no!"

well, that invokes the furious little cinnamon bun, which always makes me happy, so that doesn't really count either. the bun never ruins my day.

"god damn!"

see above...

"fuck me!"

usually followed by "running through the goddamn forest like my hair is on fire!" again, used multiple times daily. usually makes me pretty happy. nevermind...

okay, i'm done with the list.

but two words i have never before heard uttered not only ruined my day, but shattered my existence.

"pet moisture."

EEEEWWWWWW!!!!

PET MOISTURE???

SERIOUSLY???

you see, today i had an appointment with an estimator to measure for laminate floors in the non-tiled parts of my house.

i had gone through months of research, talking to friends about their floors, researching the virtues of laminate vs. hardwood, going to home depot to look at samples, talking to friends again, looking at samples again, spending way too much time on laminate vs. hardwood forums, reading user reviews, deciding on laminates, moving barriers at home depot to get to the fucking laminate/hardwood aisle to get a damn SKU# (because michelle the trainee could not find it on her computer), enduring aforementioned michelle the trainee setting up my measurement/estimate appointment, moving many things out of my closets and away from anywhere that might get in the estimator's way, waiting the additional two and a half hours for the estimator to show up after the scheduled time, only to have all my hopes and dreams dashed by two words.

"pet moisture."

everyone puke NOW!!!!

really, how gross is that?

okay, so it wasn't only "pet moisture" that dashed my hopes and dreams of laminate floors in the bedrooms of my house.

adam - the fabulous and way-overworked estimator - really felt it was more due to the fact that the slab on my house was probably not given enough time to cure prior to building, but that the abundance of "pet moisture" probably didn't help much.

"PET MOISTURE"?????

WHAT THE FUCK?????

i know. i can see. i have tried valiantly to remove the stains. multiple times, multiple ways. i'm blonde, not STUPID.

i know my pets have been bad. VERY BAD.

i mean, there is a REASON i want all the carpet out of my house.

you see, if a pet, ANY pet, whether visiting or resident, has had to piss, shit, puke, or any combination of the aforementioned, IT ALWAYS HAPPENS ON THE CARPET EVEN THOUGH 2/3rds OF THE HOUSE IS FUCKING TILE!!!

and because of this, i now have "pet moisture" keeping me from flooring THAT WILL NOT BE SUSCEPTIBLE PET MOISTURE!!!!! (Allegedly - according to user reviews and friend recommendations, laminate is the way to go if there is any probability of piddle or puke in the future. is there? oh HELL YES THERE IS!!! dogs and cats piss, puke and god only knows what else, INSIDE EVERY OPPORTUNITY THEY GET REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH TIME THEY SPEND OUTSIDE ON A DAILY FUCKING BASIS!!)

i'm pretty sure that's written in the bible somewhere. maybe the lost book of velcro, i don't know, i missed that day in new fucking testament - i'm sure i was hungover.

except that apparently the highly rated, dupont-certified, good-for-30-fucking-years laminate flooring i wanted to install cannot withstand the moisture level in my slab.

potentially caused by an abundance of - PET MOISTURE!!!!!!

so i've come to grips with that, and adam - who is again a wonderful person for doing the moisture test when i asked him to - gave me a couple recommendations for my now sad - AND NOW DIRE , WITH THE ADDITION OF "PET MOISTURE" - situation...

"replace this carpet with some new cheap carpet and then look at laminate or wood in about five years..."

FIVE YEARS??? SPEND MONEY ON MORE CHEAP CARPET???

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????

FUCK ME!!!!!

...running through the forest, blah blah blah...

or

"pull up all the carpet and let it air for a month or two and then recheck it for moisture - you should be fine to do whatever you want then. the slab will have time to air and cure like it should have, especially without all the pet moisture on it..."

AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

those two fucking words again - PET MOISTURE!!!

i swear i throw up in my mouth every time i hear, think or speak those two words.

i mean really, i shuffle around the freakin' house in slippers anyway, but now every time i step into my bedroom or any other carpeted part of the house i feel ankle deep in....

PET MOISTURE!!!!!

whether i have on slippers or fucking wellies!!!

aside - for those who don't know, wellies are knee-high rubber boots, capable of keeping out water, mud, manure, water and mud-soaked manure, hookworms, trichinosis, hoof and mouth disease, and, for all we know, potentially cancer, psoriasis and erectile dysfunction, because these boots are THE SHIT and from the brits - who live in muck up to their assholes, AND survived the blitzkrieg AND mad cow disease with minimal hits to their overall well being. i mean they still love a fucking pint day or night! jesus christ on a bike, they slog through hell and god knows what else in fucking wellies! gordon ramsey wears wellies for fuck's sake!!! what's stopping him? NOTHING!!! except maybe PET MOISTURE. i bet he has concrete floors EVERYWHERE.

all this to say, this is not a good living situation for me, the princess of cooties. (i only relinquish the throne to dina, because she takes it to a fine fucking art - i want to be like her when i grow up.)

to the point that i don't know if there is enough vodka in the house or in the world to give me enough comfort to sleep in my own damn bedroom tonight. i'm scared the PET MOISTURE will follow me to bed! even after i take off my wellies.

i see weeks of sleeping on the cowgrrl loveseat BECAUSE THE GUEST BEDROOM HAS THE MOST FREAKIN' PET MOISTURE OF ALL!!!

where else am i supposed to go? the barn?? at least the floor there is concrete and relatively less susceptible to the dreaded PET MOISTURE that gets captured in carpet and pad and jesus christ on a crutch i don't know what else. plus i bleached the whole freakin' barn floor this morning waiting for the estimator! i know there is no PET MOISTURE there. dammit.

all this to say, i've decided on concrete floors - stained, acid stained, stamped, overlays - fuck me. i have to start the research process all over again.

don't care - as long as i can find a pet-moisture resistant, preferably REPELLENT, solution.

but one thing i know for sure - even while the research process is ongoing - i'm getting someone out here ASAP to get the carpet, pad, glue, WHATEVER off the floors - because i've had all the PET MOISTURE i can handle, and it and the nasty carpet that entices it must be out of my house - NOW. if not sooner...

now i am to commune with uncle tito, research concrete floors (i already found a very promising place to do them just up the road), and remind myself how much i love my dogs and how i would be inconsolable and utterly unmanageable as a human without them.

and how PET MOISTURE will cease to be part of my vocabulary. forever.

as soon as i have my concrete floors.

love to all 1.32 of y'all reading.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

15 weeks = one great day!

started the day with the fabulous heidi and the kick-ass dr. elens at austin sports medicine.

the verdict?

one day short of 15 weeks post surgery to repair my torn achilles and i can has skates!

and elliptical!

and yoga!

and real bicycle!

and horses with saddles!

i am so happy i almost don't even know what to do with myself!!

almost... :-)

didn't bring my skates and gear because i didn't want to jinx myself. i brought all that shit last month only to get the "wait one more month" directive. which was more than right, as much as it frustrated me at the time. i wanted to skate out one more time with the hell marys, but it was not meant to be. considering the outcome, perhaps for the best. i'd just assume go out on top.

but now i can do pretty much everything i love to do...the only thing i am restricted from is running. oh gee, WAH. i hate running. running is what got me in this mess in the first place.

so even though i ended up wielding my fabeled hate hammer later in the day, after the most ASININE client meeting i think i have EVER had (for those of you in the know, you know that is a BOLD statement), and staying a little late to update six proposals because of some messing in the project plans done by someone who is NOT the project manager (they are in TROUBLE!!) i am still such a happy grrl!!! just knowing that i am healing well and on track to be "normal" again at some point is such a lift! i even went to the gym after PT - finally got the calf muscle fatigue heidi had been asking me if i had, after 35 minutes on the elliptical. fuck the treadmill and recumbent bike. i am on to bigger and better things!!!

i still love the swimming, so thanks to my achilles for getting me back to that.

heelers are adjusting to the low-cal food and smaller rations. apparently chance has either a small tear or large strain in his right ACL - from sprinting with too much exuberance according to the doc. leave it to my dog to get a derby injury. he's on pain meds and supposed to "stay quiet"(anyone with insight into how to make a heeler do that without heavy medication, please email me asap!) and lose six pounds, which is close to 10% of his body weight...vet says velcro should lose weight too, but honestly, all i can find on her is muscle, so not sure how to take weight off her. so, we're all eating healthy. i'm not upset since it's my choice, but they are none too happy.

i think i will have to give them some bacon this weekend - i mean really - it's a freakin' national holiday! EVERYONE should have bacon!

had yummy adult beves with bea attitude at rio rita after work. if you ever go there - have a paloma and make SURE you have kris/chris make it - she has fabulous red dreads and rocks the paloma like no one else! it's yummy, refreshing and delicious!!! also a really cool bluegrass jam outside on the porch - really fabulous evening all around.

watched the furious little cinnamon bun tonight for the first time since friday - still fucking hilarious!!!! i don't think i will ever tire of that bun. bea attitude says there is a "babymaker" on maury.com where you upload pics of the people that either want to make babies or perhaps want to make proof of who the baby daddy is - she had the brilliant idea of uploading a pic of me and the bun - can't wait to see the result.

clear morning of meetings tomorrow, so think i'll venture to the veloway and see if i remember how to skate. also want to buy a nice hybrid bike so i can throw some real biking into the rehab/fitness mix. the mongoose i have is at LEAST 15 years old - prolly closer to 20 - think i deserve a shiny new bike. hell, i might even get some new wheels for my skates! shit, it's just money, i'll make more tomorrow.

i am just very happy to be back on wheels that are not attached to my truck!

and now, i am ready to sink into my fabulous bed with yummy fresh out of the dryer sheets and dream about being really fit again, rolling on multiple types of wheels and pounding unnamed clients to a pulp with my beloved hate hammer...and riding horses...and skinny heelers...and cake. thursday is cake day. praise all goddesses, household saints, etc.

'night all 1.32 of y'all reading. XO

everyone should have a back porch

75 degrees...lovely northwesterly breeze...heelers at my feet....owie achilles propped up and iced...fresh pack of cigs...lovely new zealand shiraz cab...beautiful sunset...windchimes softly singing...muddy happy horses in the pasture....barn kitties prowling the tall grass...everyone should have a back porch!

sad vs. happy ranch update

today at the ranch...

sad:

bert the fish died - he had been looking kind of puny for the past several days and this morning seemed to have trouble getting to the top of the bowl to get air - he was at the bottom of the bowl when i got home from work. :-( i can help furry things, but have no clue how to repair a failing swim bladder, which i suspect was the cause of his demise. i buried him at the base of the esperanza bush at the front entry way. he was a good fish and i hope he was happy here. i'm glad he got to come live at the ranch and give me a jerry mcguire moment as i left the agency. i'll miss him. a lot. i get attached.

apparently a storm passed through and chance (who got to be the true redheaded stepchild for a few hours) decimated the remaining screens on the windows on the back porch. not a happy discovery moment for any of us. he tried to pretend all is well, but velcro and i did not buy it. did i mention that his full name is LAST chance???

all the furniture, the hammock and chance's pink pool (perhaps inciting the screen incident) were blown off the porch into the yard and had to be retrieved and put back in their proper places. super fun dragging stuff up the hill with a sore achilles. wah. ice, advil and wine resolving.

the storm left both sage and gypsy huge muddy messes, ruined the rest of the pasture round bales and exacerbated the level of dog stinkiness. only remedies - odiorne's order tomorrow and baths for all this weekend.


happy:

said storm above left a whole inch of rain! praise all deities! everything is SO green!

it's 74 degrees outside - perfect porch weather! high tomorrow predicted in the mid 80s! in freakin' august! who knew??

the furious little cinnamon bun has merch to be purchased!!!! oh happy day! (see previous post - merch HAS been purchased.)

bea attitude revived the "therapy rhodent" concept and i now have aspirations to be the VO talent. just need to get TVH to storyboard and lovely flash and graphic designers to make it happen - at the bar. :-) fun needs to abound.

bea attitude also concepted the idea to make a video for youtube of me watching the furious little cinnamon bun - which she and i BOTH find a hialirious concept - and will find a way to make happen shortly, if only for our own entertainment. the furious little cinnamon bun is my hero.

i finally got tired of poking the armadillos in the front yard with the broom handle and growling while shuffling after them in my house shoes - so tonight i set the heelers on them. result - ROCKIN'!!!! they were quaint to see alive and scurrying around, unlike the usual roadkill position they assume, but the state of my front yard eventually made them less quaint. especially when there are 792 other acres they can go dig up right freakin' here.

heelers on dillos was AWESOME - warmed my little black heart. happiness for me and the heelers! :-) sadness for the armadillos. :-( heelers were very tenacious and cared not when the dillos rolled up into balls - continued to harass them till they unrolled and scuttled off down the road. hopefully the dillos will now go dig up the ramirez's yard. that would make me super happy. only one thing would make me happier - dillos urinate on their plants before they dig them up. :-) gawd, i love my heelers! even the redhead that ruined the screens - redemption rocks!

i've found that i made some very nice wine selections at spec's last week. yummy!

dina's back from LA and rocking the home state - always makes me feel more grounded.

work is picking up and promises to be very interesting and very hectic - two of my favorite things.

new art director that started this week (name withheld because someone might try to poach) is even more amazing than i thought they would be. i love working with stellar people and i am surrounded by them.

tomorrow is friday - saturday i get to sleep in - happiness abounds!!!

result:

happy beats sad today at the ranch - i love it when it works that way.

i heart the furious little cinnamon bun

no!!!!

oh no...nnno...god, NO!

oh....god damn!!!

oh...no.....SHIT!

ahhhh...no...god damn!!!

i have big love for the furious little cinnamon bun and just ordered much shocked merch for me and chosen kick ass compadres.

working hard on avoiding the great dick in the sky....

time on my hands...

since i retired from roller derby, seems i have much more time on my hands...so time to start blooging...

or solving world hunger...blogging i can do from my office...